drive carefully come back

drive carefully come back

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I made a chapbook from the contexts of my notes app April 2016-December 2018, a pivotal time as I entered treatment for my severe alcoholism/addiction and found that early sobriety began the most unstable and dangerous period of my life; sobriety was huge  and I was so unaware I was so unaware. 

The mtv diary of my life began November 7, 2016 and every day after that felt like science fiction double feature about my confrontations with drunk Caitlin’s psychic hoard, unprocessed emotions and memories and pain painted over with layers of red, lead. it looked like the pbs documentary The Radioactive Wolves of Chernobyl with a recorded voiceover repeated throughout: “you think you know but you have no idea.” There was a lot to unpack and I did it slowly, as my self preservation allowed and as I struggled to handle my mental health’s chaotic state as revolving disorders took over, no longer kept at bay. My entire personality was overwhelmed with undiagnosed disorders I’d had since childhood, general anxiety and obsessive compulsive, delusion disorders — denial, depersonalization, masochism, narcissism. I rode that sick cycle carousel blind for almost two years as my therapists and psychiatrists labeled it all as alcoholism and told me to go to meetings. It was ptsd from standalone traumatic events I had witnessed/experience in the summer of 2016 that in a way helped me get out from under the 

This is not what happened, though. This is what I wrote in my phone.


I had to reconcile my self and who I was and who I thought I was, what my behavior had earned me. 


What was the credit score on my emotional space? 


I had a lot of math to do, y’all!


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